The Early Hours. EP: 55
In the early hours of the morning is where I've often felt the most anxious. It’s as if there is a storm that’s approaching and all the worry about that storm is yet to unfold. I realise that a lot of this anxiety and stress that I feel subconsciously and consciously, through the entire morning, is probably a result of my childhood. Now, I spent 15 years before leaving home feeling like that. And the most anxious I ever felt was right before my Mum and Dad woke up. They created an anxiety around morning routines that was next level and to be fair, it still haunts me to this day. Their high strung energy, their aggressive undertones and their frustrations in the morning rubbed off on me and put me in a fear state, that has lingered for about 20 years or more. I haven't had anything to really do with my mum and dad for the past 20 years. However, whatever happened when I was a child is still deep within my soul, deep within my stomach, it is a part of me still. I'm not trained and I'm no expert in how to deal with this stuff and how to digest and assimilate it, but I know something for a fact. What I know is that this is trauma. This is sitting with me. However, I can treat this as a gift. It seems funny to think of it like it's a gift, it seems funny to even put it in the same category but if I'm honest, I can treat this as if it was something great that has happened to me and good. Each morning when I wake up at about 5 a.m. That overwhelming feeling of stress hits me like a tonne of bricks and has pretty much done that every day of my life and it is a gift because it reminds me that I am in control, it reminds me to stop, take a breath, and think and be grateful for what today is offering. The best part about all of this and the biggest gift is my little five-year-old. When I feel the most relaxed when I feel the happiest and when I feel the most at ease and calm is around her. I'm trying my best to end the cycle that happened. I'm trying my best to change the patterns that happened to me as a child and I can't do that if I keep thinking about how bad all that stuff was and how much that's affecting me still. So, as my mind continues to race, I stop to take a breath and I remind myself to simply relax and Quinn will give me all the strength that I need, even if she's unconscious of the fact that she does it. This is a message to you guys and a reminder that although things may have happened to you, around you, or even because of you, some of these things can be treated in a different light. If we ReFrame it and we see a lot of the things as a gift, to give us context, and help teach ourselves how to deal with some of the things that we're going through, it can be exactly what we need.