Ask Justin 1: How Can I Ask My Bubble If They Want To Have Sex
"Hey! I want to say thanks for all your work — it’s great and I’ve recommended this podcast to a bunch of mates. You’re really doing a service here and I’m incredibly appreciative. My question is kinda related to covid bubbles and covid horniness. Is it cool to ask someone you’re bubbling with if they want to have sex? Can you do this in a way which doesn’t mess up the delicate ecosystem of the bubble?/ leaves loads of room for them to say no? And in a way where you can maintain Vibes where you’re comfortable with hanging out whatever the outcome? It seems like there’s pros and cons but wondering what your take is and if you’ve any advice as to how to be really careful with consent around this question." [I realise I answered this question assuming the bubbles live together when they might now, but I think the answer still works] Here were my notes for the answer. Change is inevitable, we're always changing. Even thinking this causes a change. Delicate eco system, how? What processes do you have in place to keep that? How have you navigated the changes? Are you all doing a little bit of work, in an embodied on-going way? Is one person doing a lot of work? What are the rules already about contact, intimacy, sexual chats, flirtation? What is implicit and what is explicit? What would destroy the eco system, what would enhance it? Are delicate eco systems always good? Is there a vibe? God I'm so horny, I wish I could date someone, have they changed sex, I'm so bored of wanking. No vibe no go. Useful to think about what you want from the sex. What kind of sexual, intimate, or sensual contact might do this? Think about what the home means. For some it's a place where it can feel sexy, for others it might really not. Familial warmth, sexy hot times. How might you employ different aspects of your relationship to be able to manage these often competing vibes? Think about your sexuality scale. What meanings does sex have for you? If you're someone who can have friendly sex just like watching a film with a friend or having dinner with them, cool. What about the others? How many are there in a bubble? Who do you want to be involved with? Think about the broader eco system beyond the bubble? Is this just a break glass on case of emergency? What happens after? Is it a fantasy of yours? Acting on crushes - booof First question. I was wondering how you felt about the living situation and how we get on. Open it up to be about all things in the eco system and what's on offer. Say what you want. Having a vague notion that might be up for some sexy times with them is good because if you don't ask you don't get. Ask in a way where there is a range of possible options. Give space and time and allow for awkwardness. If it's not awkward it probably means that someone is going along with something to make you feel at ease. Notice what's going on for you after you've put it out there. What does everyone want the sex to do for them? Something new, excitement, to feel desired, orgasm/pleasure, be in a different headspace, transcend, intense relaxation, to be in a completely different power dynamic (owned, or not in control, not making decisions, sub space) etc. Transactional. One person doing it for another. Expand the range of erotic possibilities that best meet these needs. Start with a couple of things you're both keen on. Red flags for you about sex but also about maintaining the eco system afterwards? Places. Things said. Roles. Sense of an event. A before during after. User guide volume knobs. If you're turning one thing up, do you need to turn other things down? More solo time?