Other People's Behaviour Isn't A Reflection On You

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Email me at hello@franexcell.com with any questions or take aways! For more, head over to: www.franexcell.com/ Other People’s Behaviour Isn’t A Reflection On You   One of the things I get asked so often is about dealing with other people.     How can we change their behaviour or how their behaviour is making a person feel.   What we really need to control is our reaction to it.    And seek to understand it. Not condone it…understand it. Often that in itself takes out the sting.   While it’s true that other people’s behaviour is far more about them than it is you, there is one caveat I'd like to make.    It may be reflecting something back TO you, which is where the self awareness I’m always talking about comes into play.   And what other people’s behaviour may be reflecting back to you is something that needs healing within yourself.    It may be reflecting back your own feelings of worth and what you deserve.   Which isn’t fun!   BUT…when we catch it, that’s when we can do something with it.    The question then becomes, ‘what lesson do I need to learn from this interaction or what is being reflected here that is actually my own belief about myself.’   Big questions to ask but super important.    When you learn to ask these kinds of questions without judgement, blame or shame then that’s where the magic can start to happen.   There can be so many feelings associated when you ‘allow’ someone to treat you badly.    You might feel angry, hurt, betrayed, foolish, blame yourself…so…many…feelings.   But it happens to all of us at some point.   Whether it’s a client, a friend, a partner, whatever the context, we’ve all let people in who have turned out to be not exactly who they claimed to be at the start.   Or who have treated us in ways that resulted in us feeling less than or awful about ourselves.   And it can be incredibly painful.    Especially when we didn’t see it coming.    And in these situations it’s FAR too easy to blame yourself for that person's behaviour towards you.   ‘Why didn’t I see it?’   ‘What does it say about me that I didn’t see it?’   ‘Maybe I deserved it.’   ‘Was it all a complete lie?’   But that’s a double whammy right?!   You’ve been treated badly by someone else, and now you’re treating yourself badly!   No wonder you feel like you can’t catch a break. It’s important to be open to learning new ways of doing things yourself.  Unlearning YOUR old patterns and reactions.    This is something I'm doing myself in real time at the moment and it’s definitely challenging at times but also feels really good.    I’m pretty well wired to sit in discomfort these days and knowing that the good stuff is around the corner.    I know it’s good for me and I know it’s wiring new neural pathways that are probably far healthier.   Even though it might register as unsafe because it’s new and unfamiliar.   But I'm open to it and here for it!   When you allow new interactions to teach you something new you don’t ever go back to how you were. It’s new information that’s being encoded into your brain and nervous system.   I used to get so hurt and upset by other people’s behaviour towards me and really went heavy on the self blame and lack of self worth.   That’s very different now.    I know different now.   Even when someone REALLY lets you down it’s easier to handle.     Doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt, of course it does.    It doesn’t mean there’s no anger and frustration, of course there is.    But I also know it’s not about me.   And even when it might be annoying to do so…compassion for the other person can still be found if you want to find it.   Hurt people, hurt people.   Wounded people tend to be the ones to create wounds in others.   You cannot control the other person’s behaviour.   You cannot control the way someone decides to judge you or see you.   You cannot control the narrative they choose to create.   None of this is within your control.   It’s not a reflection on you if someone behaves badly towards you, it’s on them.   It’s not your ‘fault’ and you’re not to ‘blame’.    Ask yourself the necessary self awareness questions about what it may be highlighting for you to work on in terms of your own healing and how you see yourself.   Hold your head high in the situation.   The more you know yourself deeply, the easier this is.   When you know in your core you’re a good person. You know your worth. You know your values.  You’ll find the less other people’s behaviour will affect you.   That’s what you have control over and that’s where you can create some real change.    If you’ve been in a situation where there has been any sort of abuse this may take a little longer and I highly recommend getting some professional support too but it’s so possible.   Hindsight is a marvellous thing, once you’re out of the situation. When you’re in it it can feel all consuming and confusing and overwhelming and it can be hard to see the woods for the trees.    But it’s absolutely possible to heal, take the lessons, be able to take any responsibility that’s yours to take (very important you understand responsibility is NOT blame!) understand yourself more deeply and not get yourself into a similar situation again.   It was never your fault, or a reflection on you.     Some people are deeply wounded themselves and those wounds can hurt others. It doesn’t matter the situation. This could be clients, colleagues, loved ones, partners, friends.    Some of the worst situations I've been in where people have treated me badly, although painful, have created who I am today.   I won’t tolerate behaviour today that I would have even a few months ago. I’m quicker to learn.   It doesn’t mean no one will ever hurt you again.  That’s just part of a richly human life!   It doesn’t mean no one will ever lie to you about who they are and you won’t see it coming again.    It doesn’t mean you’re going to find it easy to trust people or let them in straight away.    It doesn’t mean any of that and that’s not what we’re aiming for.   What we’re aiming for is for you to KNOW it’s not about you.    To not take on other people’s bad behaviour or toxic ‘stuff’ as YOUR ‘stuff’.#   To know yourself on such a deep level that you have unshakable confidence on WHO you are…while also knowing you’re always improving, growing and learning and never a finished product.  Your feelings might get hurt…but your self-worth stays totally intact.   To know that it’s not a BAD thing to want to see the best in people.   To be able to do the necessary self awareness and healing work when it comes up.   You might just come out the other side as the best version of yourself!   Fx

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Fran Excell is a success mindset mentor who helps business owners overcome stress and self sabotage, so they can get off the emotional rollercoaster, get back their time & feel more in control! Fran draws on her training in Applied Neuroscience Coaching, NLP, EFT, Positive Psychology, Emotional Intelligence and other trauma informed mind body modalities, along with her own research and life experience to give you the tools to break through what’s holding you back and get out your own way by showing you how to let go of negative thinking, unconscious habits and limiting beliefs so you finally have the confidence and tools to fulfil your full potential and achieve anything YOU want to. If you struggle with negativity, self-doubt, procrastination, lack of organisation, confidence or need some help just getting yourself to do those things you reeeeeally want to but just can’t seem to then this is the place for you! "I’ve been where you are and through YEARS of tried and tested methods, years of studying and thousands of hours reading and working with clients I know how to turn things around and I know what works! I'm going to help you find your positive pants so you can achieve anything you want! ;-) I’ll come to you with a new episode every Monday and give you practical tips to improve your mindset for the positive and give you a deep understanding of why you do the things that you do. I’ll keep it short enough to be snackable so you can implement into your life and business straight away...hey I get it you’re busy, I've got you covered!" Head over to , https://www.franexcell.com/ follow @imfranexcell on Instagram or email hello@franexcell.com for more information. MEDICAL DISCLAIMER Any information or guidance we provide is not a substitute for the consultation, diagnosis, and/or medical treatment of your doctor or healthcare provider. You must not rely on any information or guidance we provide you with as an alternative to medical advice from your doctor or healthcare provide and we expressly disclaim all responsibility, and shall have no liability, for any damages, loss, injury, or liability whatsoever suffered by you or any third party as a result of your reliance on any information or guidance we provide you with. If you have any specific questions or concerns about any medical matter, you should consult your doctor or healthcare provider as soon as possible. If you think you may be suffering from any medical condition, you should seek immediate medical attention from your healthcare provider. Do not delay seeking medical advice, disregard medical advice or discontinue medical treatment because of information or guidance we provide you with. Nothing in this disclaimer will limit or exclude any liability that may not be limited or excluded by applicable law. Content Disclaimer The information contained above is provided for information purposes only. The contents of this podcast/audio are not intended to amount to advice and you should not rely on any of the contents of this podcast/audio. Professional advice should be obtained before taking or refraining from taking any action as a result of the contents of this podcast/audio Fran Excell disclaims all liability and responsibility arising from any reliance placed on any of the contents of this podcast/audio.