Episode 244 Nurul's VBAC in Singapore

Spela upp

“Because of that VBAC, it has opened a new me. I did not birth my daughter. I had a rebirth of myself, a stronger self."Nurul joins Meagan on the podcast today all the way from Singapore! She shares how finding The VBAC Link gave her the hope she needed to believe a redemptive birth could be possible after a traumatic C-section experience. After interviewing 11 doulas and many doctors, Nurul fought to build a safe, supportive birth team which made all the difference in the end. We are SO proud of how Nurul achieved her VBAC and found a safe, supportive team with limited resources. We know you will be inspired by Nurul and her beautiful family just like we are!!Additional LinksNeeded WebsiteHow to VBAC: The Ultimate Prep Course for ParentsThe VBAC Link Facebook CommunityFull Transcript under Episode DetailsMeagan: Hello, hello VBAC Link listeners. This is your host, Meagan and I am so honored to be here today with our guest, Nurul. Am I saying that right? I always feel like I say it Nurul. You guys, she is in Singapore and right now, it’s 11:00 PM her time. She was so gracious to stay up super late and record her story. We have an amazing story. I know they are all amazing, but I think that this is a story that a lot of people are going to connect to because we know sometimes how hard it is in the VBAC world to find and really get the support that we deserve. So make sure to buckle up because this episode is going to be so wonderful and Nurul, I’m so, so grateful for you to be here with us today. Nurul: I think, like I started this journey, honestly I started with The VBAC Link. The moment I found out I was pregnant, I’m like, “I’ve got to find something that understands how I feel inside,” so I went straight to finding something. I found you on Instagram and was like, “Oh god, they have a podcast.” I went straight to Spotify and I’m like, “Okay. I’ve got to listen to this.” I’m hitting play and playing and playing. I listened to episodes all the way down to the day before I gave birth. Meagan: Oh my gosh. I love it. So all of these stories carried you through your whole pregnancy journey and inspired you. Now here you are going to record your story and inspire someone else in the same way. Nurul: Yes. I definitely wanted to come here so bad because I do not know how many of you know how so important it is, but I’m sure you’ve watched Crazy Rich Asians knowing that Singapore literally is a dot on the map. It is so tiny but it is one of the most densely populated countries in the world. It is probably one of the top five, so it is very crowded here. The pollution is terrible but if you’ve been to Singapore, it’s completely clean. It’s clean and beautiful and what comes with all of that is convenience. That’s the thing with convenience. When you talk about convenience and how we talk about morning times and everything, come to Singapore and it is really about convenience. It’s terrible to say but I was proud to see that we don’t want more than say five or ten minutes to a bus stop and to travel from one end to another in Singapore, it takes no more than one hour. Meagan: Whoa. Nurul: That’s how tiny Singapore is. And with how tiny Singapore is, you’ve got 9 government huge hospitals that are heavily subsidized by the government and we’ve got 9 equal hospitals that are private. Meagan: Wow. So 18 hospitals. Nurul: Yes. If there are more, I’m not sure, but these are the hospitals that are quite known amongst *inaudible*. And with all of these hospitals, I have to say that there is a culture that comes to see people being comfortable. It’s the culture of, “I want the best doctor. I want the best hospital. I want the best of this and I want to be treated well. I’m giving you the dollar. I want to be treated–”Meagan: Like royalty. Nurul: Yes, really. It’s terrible. So it happened in 2019. I was married in January 2019. I found I was pregnant in March 2019. The due date was in November. Of course, I was one of the few of my friends that got pregnant. I didn’t know who to really talk to about this. So then my husband introduced me to some of his friends and wives and all of that. This doctor, I’m not going to say his name, popped up many times. I’m like, “Okay.” This doctor was famous even when my mom was pregnant with me. Over 30 years ago–Meagan: That’s how it was with me. My mom’s doctor delivered me and performed my first two C-sections. Nurul: Oh my. Meagan: Yeah, but he did me. Yeah. Nurul: Really? Crazy, yeah. I think it’s also crazy that these doctors are carrying these names with high Cesarean numbers. I know. So, Dr. A., I went to Dr. A. My husband and I are people who are very honest. We like honesty. We want it. He had this joking tone. He made me feel comfortable. He was like, “Do you have any questions?” and this and that. I said, “Okay, then I’ll see you again next month,” and next and next. There were many red flags which, of course, I didn’t know to look out for these flags. That’s why when you are first pregnant, I strongly say that many of us are like, “Oh, I’m pregnant. What am I going to do? How am I going to get everything?” Ask any mom and they will say, “Oh, you’ve got to get this crib and you’ve got to get these wipes and you’ve got to get this swaddle.” No one really talks about, “Hey, do you want to talk about your birth plan? How are you going to prepare for everything? Are you thinking of going to this class or this birthing class?” No one asked me that. I even had a friend who said, “Oh, I wasn’t reading until 38 weeks.” I thought, “Okay, I’m just going to stop work for a while and then get myself ready.” But you know, no. We don’t want to read about birth. Not a single person. Even my mom and you know? Now, in 2023 in modern Singapore, talking about birth is such a taboo. No one really talks about it. Meagan: Really?Nurul: Really. I asked my mom. I said, “How did you give birth to me?” “Oh, I ended up there. They induced me. I put a pill on top of my lip and then you came an hour later.” I said, “Oh, it’s that easy?” She said, “Yeah, you just push.” I said, “Oh, okay.” Nothing about how there are some that you might get this way and nothing like that. So then pregnancy was all good. I’m now at 37 weeks. He said, “Oh, your baby is growing well and is very healthy. I like that. Your blood sugar level is good. Everything is fine. Iron was a little low, but manageable.” At 38 weeks, he said to me, “Do you know that if your baby is out now, your baby can breathe on his own? You don’t have to *inaudible* and your baby doesn’t have to go into the NICU, nothing like that. Your baby will be healthy.” I said, “Oh, it’s okay. I’ll go a little bit more.” At 39 weeks, he was like, “Oh, your baby is getting a little big. I’m sure he’s getting very heavy.” I said, “Yeah, I am feeling heavy, doctor.” He said, “But if you want to wait, go ahead.” All of these signs were all conditioning which I did not know. And then at 40 weeks, so we came in at 40 weeks and he was like, “Do you know that when your baby hits 40 weeks, your baby doesn’t grow anymore in your tummy?”Meagan: Oh!Nurul: Yeah, he told me that. He spoke *inaudible”. He said that the baby is not going to grow anymore. It’s like, there’s nothing more that your baby is going to absorb. He said that if you feel like you want to haste things up and you want to make things faster, come on in. You can induce. If you want, I can check you to be in. I was like, “Great.” I got my son checked. I was high, high, and 0 centimeters dilated. Everything was telling me, “You are not ready for this.” He said, “I’m sure you’re tired.” I said, “Yeah, I am.” He said, “You know what? If you think that you want to get induced, drop me a text. I’ll come down that morning myself.” So at 40 weeks, at clean midnight I was telling my husband, “I am really heavy. I don’t want to be like this anymore. Can we just go?” It was a few minutes after midnight and he said, “Oh, let’s go to the hospital.”We go to the hospital with *inaudible*. I said, “I want to get myself induced.” They sent a text to my doctor. He came in that morning and said, “All right. Let’s get you induced.” They got me induced. 18 hours later, nothing. Nothing. Every check they did, I was on the highest level of Pitocin, nothing. I felt nothing. Even though they said, “Oh, look at this. Look at the numbers. They’re so high. Are you not feeling anything?” It was like, “I think your baby is really big and this is what needs to happen. The passenger is big. Your passage might be small. That’s why baby’s not coming.” Meagan: Oh, barf. Your passenger may be big. Nurul: Yeah. Your passenger is big but your passage is small. Meagan: Your passage is small. Nurul: You know, he used these words. I said, “Oh no.” It was like, okay. He was like, “It’s been 18 hours. It’s getting dangerous.” But I did not know how to ask him all of the questions I should have asked. I didn’t know because it was like, “If you are going to wait any longer, you can go ahead. I’ll give you 6 more hours. 6 more hours. If you don’t go into labor, I’m taking over.” Then I’m like, “Taking over?” He said, “Yeah. It’s getting dangerous. If you don’t feel comfortable, you can find another doctor.” I was like, “Oh. I’m really here, you know.” I was like, “No, no. Of course, I don’t want that.” He said, “Okay, then if you want to go ahead with 6 hours, but I can’t guarantee that baby will come in 6 hours.” He said those words and I’m like, “Oh god. I’m really so tired. I want to rest. I just want to see my baby.” I said, “You know what? I don’t know what I should do now.” I asked him, “What should I do now?” He said, “If you want to think about Cesarean, easy. We’ll do a Cesarean. You can wait 6 hours. I can’t guarantee your baby will come but you can wait and see all that time.” And I went through it. My husband went down with the payment. There was *inaudible*. Now that I’m looking, I don’t see any emergency Cesarean. When you see the word emergency, it means that you can’t wait. My husband had time to go down to the counter, make payment, and come back up. We had a little talk and all of that. There was no emergency to this but I still went for it. I went for it. He was born–Meagan: I just want to say that that is okay too because the same thing with me and so many out there, right? With my second, it was like, “I can give you another hour,” and what was an hour going to do when I was having this pressure? What it did was it stopped my contractions. I don’t remember feeling a contraction out of that because I was so stressed, so overwhelmed, so defeated. I was like, “Let me just walk,” so I started walking and I just remember breaking down and I was like, “Fine. I feel pinned against this wall.” It’s not, again, mine wasn’t an emergency. I walked down to the OR and climbed onto the OR table. It wasn’t an emergency. They actually called it an elective. I wouldn’t even call it an elective. I mean, yes. I did elect, but it wasn’t like, “Sign me up. Sign me up. Take me down.” So many of us are in that situation where we’re like, “Okay, all right. Let’s do it then.” Nurul: Yeah. He didn’t even explain to me, “I’m going to cut this many layers.” The only thing he said to me was, “When I call out your name, wave up and give the hardest cough that you can because you will be intubated with this.” Meagan: Oh, they intubated you. Nurul: Oh, because I said, “I don’t want an epidural.” Meagan: I got you. Nurul: It was when we decided on the C-section, I gave myself just a few seconds to shed one or two tears. I’m like, “I can do this. I’m strong. Let’s get through it.” I told my doctor that I wanted GE. I don’t want to go through it. I woke up. He woke me up and then he said, “I was right. Your passenger was big but the passage is small. Baby isn’t big but your baby’s long.” I’m like, “Okay.” Meagan: Oh my gosh. How big was your baby? Nurul: He was 3.47 kilos only. Meagan: Okay, okay. Nurul: So pretty average, yeah. Then I wanted to breastfeed badly but I mean, when you go through such trauma that then I didn’t know was trauma, I ended up going through a lot of that. You’re just not happy. Milk didn’t come. I jumped back into work because I just wanted to drown myself from the weight of all of this. I had this feeling of, “I’m not good enough. Why couldn’t I birth my son? Why couldn’t I do it?” There is this saying in Singapore, in my race, I believed and aunties would say, “Oh, yeah. Baby went out the window instead of the door.”Most are shocked. As much as women mean to jokingly say it, they are shocked. They hit you at the most vulnerable state because you’re already at your lowest. I was really down but I constantly had a smile on my face. I was keeping it all in. My husband knew that I was going through a time where it was just postpartum depression with postpartum anxiety. But I was so lucky because I had the support there at home. I had my husband there. He played such a huge role in just being there with me and trying to understand what it was that I was going through. But the thing was that he was also going through it. We went through such a difficult time together. We didn’t even want to talk about having a second one because that was how bad it was. I think it was almost two years later and we got pregnant with my second one. I remember when after I gave birth to my son, my first one, I saw this TV star who was talking about VBAC. I was like, “What’s VBAC? What’s VBAC?” I wanted to listen and then I was like, “Oh, you can have a vaginal birth after Cesarean?” I didn’t know that was possible. No one tells me that. I thought once you cut yourself, you have to cut yourself forever. I went to see stories. I read about her story. I’m like, “Wow. She is amazing.” But then she was full of *inaudible* mind. She was strong and she was loud. And yeah. She was a TV star. Meagan: Still, she’s a human being doing that. Nurul: Exactly. It was like, that was how much my self-esteem was completely gone. I thought that I was not sufficient. I’m not mother enough to birth my son. It was so sad. When I found out I was pregnant with my second, I was like, “I don’t want to go through that.” It took me so long to get up on my two feet so that my son would have the best version of me. I cannot. I cannot do that again. I remember those words VBAC. I went to Google VBAC, what is that? I’m like, “This is interesting.” Then I went onto Instagram and I went to search on the hashtag VBAC. Already, it was just right on and then I found The VBAC Link. I found you guys. I started to listen. It was like, “Okay. I can do this. I can listen.” The next thing I know, I was on episode 5 and I think it was the husbands. Meagan: Oh, uh-huh. We had our husbands on. Nurul: Yeah. I remember I was like, “Oh my god. This is the best thing. I can do this. I can do this.” So then I was thinking. Also, I met a friend. She tried to VBAC three times. She tried to VBAC two times. It was a complete failure. She was really sad. I was talking to her saying, “What do I do?” I even talked to her husband. They said, “Get a doula. Make sure you get the right doctor.” This was my in. I was like, “I have got to get a doula. Someone’s got to help me. Someone’s got to get me and my husband on track. I’ve got to get the right doctor. I’ve got to get the right doctor.” And from then on, I actually interviewed 11 doulas. Meagan: Yeah, okay! You’re like me where I interviewed 12 doctors and you interviewed 11 doulas. But that’s awesome to hear that you guys have that many doulas in your area. That’s awesome to hear that you have a good amount of doulas. Nurul: Okay, but with the amount of doulas, there are only a handful. There are a lot in hospitals. Meagan: Oh, really?Nurul: Really. Only a handful. Only a handful. So with every interview that I did with doulas, one of the first questions I asked was, “Can you be there with me during my active labor?” There were so many that said, “I can’t be there. I’m not registered with the hospital. I’ve not worked with this doctor. Not all doctors will want to work with a doula.”Meagan: They have to be registered. Interesting. Nurul: Mhmm. You have to register. There are only two hospitals that allow doulas in and with these two hospitals, only a handful. I think it was 4 or 5. It was during COVID with my second one. It was so difficult. No water birth. There were only a handful of doulas. There were so many barriers that I had to cross. I was like, “You know what? I’m going to take this step by step.” I interviewed 11 doulas and I think it was doula number 10. She gave me this incredible vibe. She was calming. She had so much knowledge to her. I’m like, “Okay. I might actually have something.” There was this voice inside of me, “I’ve got to interview one more doula.” I spoke to her and she was like, “Yeah, go ahead. Say my name on The VBAC Link. Yes please.” So her name is Doula Lorraine. She is fantastic. Everything about her is just calm and all so when I spoke to her, I felt so much warmth that I have not felt in the longest time. It was such an incredible conversation with her. I asked her which doctors she had worked with and which are pro-VBAC. I asked whether she had done any VBACs. She said that she has. She is so humble. She’s incredible, I’m telling you. When I first met her, she gave me this hug and rub on my shoulder. It was during COVID and it was like, yes. We had to keep our distance but she was fantastic. She went through all of the things. She didn’t really give me all of this information at once. It was slow and steady. I took her up. I was like, “Okay, Lorraine. I want you to be my doula.” It was like, “All right. Fantastic.” She knew that I wasn’t quite set up with the doctors so the first doctor I went to, he went through everything and I said, “Yeah, but doctor, I want a VBAC.” The first thing he said to me was, “Yeah, I have extra charges for VBAC.” Then I was like, “Oh, okay.” Why are you telling me you have extra charges? I was telling my husband after the appointment, I was like, “No. I don’t want this doctor. I don’t feel comfortable. If you’re going to talk to me about money, I don’t really want to talk to you anymore.” The second doctor, you would be shocked. I went back to my first doctor, Dr. A. I went to Dr. A. Dr. A. was like, “Wow, welcome back. You came by.” I was like, “Yeah.” He was like, “Wow. Expecting number two after two years. That’s good. That’s good after a Cesarean.” I said, “Yeah. I really want a VBAC, doctor. I really want a VBAC.” He said, “Oh, we will have to see. I can really only determine that you are a candidate at a later part of your pregnancy.” I said, “How much later?” He said, “30+ weeks?” I said, “Oh, okay. All right.” But he had conditions. He said, “Yeah, but there are conditions.” I said, “Yeah, what are the conditions?” You’ll be shocked. He said, “The condition is that your baby cannot pass 3.4 kilos.” I’m like, “What? My first one was 3.47. That’s not possible.” He said, “You can’t pass 40 weeks.” What? My body wasn’t ready at 40 weeks with my first one. Meagan: Nope, yeah. Nurul: And he said, “You can’t be overweight. You have to be healthy.” There were so many of these conditions, but I could do this. I was like, “Okay.” I went okay, okay, okay with it. I went to see another doctor as well. This doctor is one of the pro-VBAC doctors in Singapore. There are only a handful. Literally, you can count with one hand. I went to see him and he asked me, “What happened with your first one?” He knew Dr. A. He was in a completely different hospital. He knew Dr. A. I said, “Oh, Dr. A. said that the passenger was too big and the passage was too small and also there was no progress in my labor or something like that.” He said, “Okay. Why was there no progress?” I said, “I went in to get myself induced at 40 weeks.” He asked me, “Why did you get yourself induced?” I was like, “I didn’t want to wait. My doctor was telling me there was no point in waiting and I was feeling really heavy.” Meagan: He also told you that your baby wasn’t going to grow anymore so at that point, you’re like, “Okay, I guess it’s pointless to keep this baby in here.” Nurul: Yeah, I know right? So he said, “If you want a VBAC, we are not going to induce you. If it didn’t work the first time, it is not going to work the second time with you. Your body wasn’t ready at 40 weeks. We are not going to do anything until 42 weeks, then we will see what we can do.” I was like, “Yes. Yes. I have found someone who is actually going to go all out with me in this,” and they are so little. I’m telling you that you can count the amount of doctors that will allow you to go to 42. There are all kinds of excuses that they will give you. You are putting baby in danger and all of that. It was so hard and this was only the first level trying to get a birthing team that I could trust that would respect my wishes, that would listen to me, and that would understand that, “I hired you and I will fire you if you don’t listen to me.” I was going into this with so much heat. I was angry. I was like, “You know, I can do this.” Meagan: I’m sure. Nurul: Yeah. I told myself, “I’ve got to get a trusted doctor.” And then I remember Lorraine asking, “Why do you want a VBAC?” I was telling her, “I want the best version of myself for my number two, my number one, my husband, and especially for me. I don’t want to put myself for that again.” I told her that it was like, it’s not about proving to society or to family members or to friends, “Hey, I can do a vaginal birth too, you know.” It wasn’t about proving that. It wasn’t about proving myself. I wanted it. I wanted it because I needed it badly for myself. I needed it so badly. Yeah. And then she was like, “All right, then we will do this.” I went to her Hypnobirthing classes. I told her, “I’m a person who is always stressed.” There were all these things in my mind with micro stresses from work and all and being a stay-at-home mom. There was so much. She said, “All right. We’ll take it step by step. Slow.” I said, “Okay, let’s do this.” I went for her classes. I learned to let go. The whole process of it was just letting go. It was to forgive myself and to show compassion. It was to tell myself, “If you’re going to go to Dr A. and say ‘This is all your fault’, he is not going to take a single responsibility because he’s going to say ‘You hired me. You hired me to tell you what you want to hear deep down inside.” Yeah, he’s not going to take any responsibility. And what’s the point of me wanting to tell him, “You are wrong”? There’s no point. I told myself that I would take ownership of what happened. I have to. If I don’t, then there’s no way out of this. I have to live on it and then Lorraine reminded me that you have to have gone through all of that because if you did not then you would not be where you are right now. Meagan: Yes. I agree with that so much. So much. Nurul: Yeah. And into that whole journey of Hypnobirthing and private sessions with breathing and everything, I learned to really let go and really relax. Even at, I think it was 36 or 34 weeks when I shows that I still had tension. “You have a lot,” she was saying. “You have to get everything out of the way.” I remember in my class that there were two other moms. One of them wanted to try for a VBAC and the other one was wanting to try labor without an epidural. The lucky mom, she went into labor on a full moon– something I read about a full moon– and Lorraine told me her birth story. She was saying, “You have to get everything out of the way. When your body is ready and when your body goes into labor, everything should be out of the way. It should only be you and your birthing partner in that safe space.” She was telling me. I said, “Okay.” I went home and I did a full list. I had this list and I gave it to my husband. My husband is a very, very busy man. I said, “I need you to go through this list and tell me what you don’t understand because if you don’t understand, I’m just going to put it in more words so you will do it when I go into labor or before I go into labor and after I give birth, I need all of this done. I don’t want to be thinking and have all of these micro-stresses stress my body out and not allow my body to go into labor.” He said, “All right.” So my husband, even though he wasn’t present at most of Lorraine’s lessons or at the doctor’s appointments, I didn’t mind that at all because he did his work. He wrote up what he had to do and how he had to prepare himself and I loved that. At week 40, he said, “So how are you feeling?” I said, “I’m heavy, but I want to wait. I really want to wait.” He said, “Oh, okay.” He still went off to his meetings. He went to settle with our toddler. Everything was still on its way and everything like I wasn’t pregnant. Meagan: Right, normal life. Nurul: Yeah, normal life. Completely normal and that was exactly what Lorraine told me. “You have to live your life normally. If you want to go somewhere go. If you want to eat something, eat. Nourish yourself. If you want to have fun with your kid, go. Don’t stop yourself. There should not be any limitations to what you want to do. You have to feel happy. When you’re happy, all of these happy chemicals will help you.” She was always there with me. She was always checking on me. At 40+3 or 40+4, I was feeling very nervous. I felt a lot of anxiety. I was like, “Oh my god. Things are taking so long. I should be going into labor.” The thing is, yes. It was 40+5, but I had another week plus two days. I don’t know what I was stressing. I don’t know why I was stressing but when you put yourself in that situation, one hour feels like ten million years. “Oh my god, when am I going to go into labor.” It’s like, “Oh, my tummy feels hot.” It’s just gas. I’m not going into labor tonight. You wake up and it’s like, “I’m still pregnant. Water is still in me.” There were no signs showing that my body was ready to go into labor. I did so many things. You name it, I did it because my belly did not want another Cesarean. I ate spicy food. In this part of the world, Southeast Asia, the food is extremely spicy so I ate international spicy food. I ate the Chinese mala, spicy. I remember eating so much. I ate pineapple core. I drank pineapple smoothies. I ate dates every day. I remember one of the episodes, you guys were saying raspberry leaf tea and the 3:1 rule. In the first trimester, one bag a day. In the second, two bags a day. I did that every day. I did Spinning Babies. I sat on my yoga ball, tilting on my hips and thrusting and everything, mostly everything. The Miles Circuit is so long. She was like, “Give it a try.” I was laying down and adjusting here. I did curb walking at 3:00 in the morning, literally. Meagan: Oh my goodness. Nurul: Yeah, because I wanted to get into labor so badly. She said, “You need to just relax. Rest.” Meagan: Just do nothing. Nurul: Do nothing. She’s like, “Do nothing. Spend time with your husband.” My husband’s name is Shah. It’s so much easier. I spent so much time with Shah. It was 40+6. I had sent my toddler with my in-laws. I said, “You know what? Let’s stay in and watch a movie.” I remember it was in the afternoon. I was watching a movie with him. I’m watching something funny and eating spicy food, nothing. And then I reached 41 weeks and Lorraine was saying, “How are you feeling?” I said, “I’m afraid that as much as I’m trying to relax, my body I think could be halfway there or maybe not but these stresses are getting to me.” She said, “All right, there’s one more thing. You can do it.” I said, “What is it? I’ll try anything. I’ve tried even Chinese acupressure on my foot.” She was like, “Do you want to try the midwives' brew?” I said, “What is that?” She was like, “Give it a try. If you’re afraid, you can have half the portion.” Midwife’s brew is peanut butter with castor oil. I was so afraid because I told Lorraine that I was afraid. I read so many things that I might get diarrhea or something bad might happen. She said, “Well, have half of it then.” I said, “All right, I’ll have half of it.” I had half of it and there were really good surges that came. I woke up and Lorraine was like, “You know what? If you want, you can try the full dosage but you’ve got to prepare yourself.” I said, “I’m prepared. Everything is prepared.” She said, “Come over. Get the oil and drink your smoothie.” But yeah. Before all of that, I wanted to spend time with my son. I wanted to let all of these happy hormones kick in and spend time with my toddler, spend time with my husband, my in-laws, and my parents. I took it at home with just my husband. He really stepped up. I gave him that list to follow so that I could focus on laboring. He dimmed up the whole room. He turned on the essential oils. He had lights and music turned on. The sheets were new and clean. Everything was nice and calm. Then he was like, “Are you ready?” I said, “Yeah.” I sat in the room. I drank the smoothie. I said, “I’m really tired. I just want to sleep.” He said, “I’ll join you in a little bit.” He went to do some house chores or something. I remember he crept in. I was already sleeping. I woke up. I think it was close to midnight. I drank my smoothie at about 8:00 in the evening. I woke up at about 11 or something and I felt really, really strong surges. I was like, “You know what? I’m just going to time them.” I timed them and they started to get really intense. I’m like, “This is two minutes apart.” Then it was 65 seconds, 70 seconds. I’m like, “Okay.” But my husband was dead sleeping. He was snoring. I was like, “I’m not going to wake him up.” I remember suddenly, everything I learned in Hypnobirthing class like getting into the shower. It might not be really, but maybe you just need to relax. I got into the shower. I stood in the shower. I’m like, “This is not going anywhere.” I said, “You know what? Just try to go to bed. Let’s just try to go to bed.” I couldn’t. I grabbed my yoga ball. I put it on the bed. I rocked myself on it. I kept thinking of all of these things that I learned. It was instinctive. Listen to your body. Just trust it. What it wants to do, just listen. Go along with it. Don’t go against it. So I took my ball and I put it on the bed. I’m on all fours and I’m just rocking away. I didn’t even realize that I was actually timing myself. After giving birth, I don’t even know what I was timing. It was all over the place. I think my husband woke up to me moaning really badly. He said, “Are you okay?” I didn’t know what to answer. I just remember showing him the phone. I took this to him and he was looking at it. He said, “I’m going to send this to Lorraine.” I said, “Yeah, yeah. Send. Send it to Lorraine.” So he sent it to Lorraine. I said, “Can you call her, please?” He was like, “She’s not picking up.” Then I was like, “You know what? I’m okay. I just want to rock on my ball. I feel comfortable.” He called again, I think. Lorraine asked him because he told me all of the stories that Lorraine asked him. She was like, “Is she talking?” “Not much. She’s just moaning.” She said, “Okay. Time for you to go to the hospital.” There are no birth centers in Singapore. Zero. So it was the hospital. I remember he was like, “Okay, you know what? I’m going to get the car. You do what you want.” He was talking to me so gently. I said, “I’m going to be in the shower.” So I popped into the shower again. I was just rocking in the shower and enjoying the warm water and everything. All then suddenly, he was like, “Are you ready, okay? I’m going to bring you to the hospital.” I was like, “Okay.” I was there and I just stuck on my dress. I walked slowly. I remember it was the longest walk to the car even though it was just downstairs. I had to take the lift down because we live on the fourth floor. I had to take the lift down and it was 7:00 in the morning. Like I said, in Singapore, it’s densely populated. You don’t meet someone in the lift in the morning. I went in and I remember there was this middle-aged guy and an auntie in the lift. She looked at me and she looked at my husband. She said, “Is she going into labor?” He was like, “Yes.” He was just nodding his head and I did not want anyone to annoy me. I was just facing the door, rocking myself. I walked and then she was like, “I’ll say a little prayer for you. I’ll say a little prayer for you.” I just nodded my head. I didn’t want to talk. So I went in the car and my husband already had the seat reclined all the way to the back because I put that in the list. He did everything. He is so, so sweet. I went in the car and I sat in front. There was a little pillow that was ready for me. I hugged the pillow. The journey from my place to the hospital that we chose is about 25-30 minutes. Meagan: Okay, not bad. Nurul: But it was the weekday in Singapore, peak hour. Oh my god. I told him to blast the music. I wanted him to blast the music. He turned on the Hypnobirthing music and he blasted it completely. But with how loud it was, I could hear the motorbikes passing through. I was like, “Oh my god. Stop that. It’s so loud.” I was telling my husband. I didn’t say anything but I was moaning. I was putting myself in that zone. You have to let the body receive the surges. I could feel him mumbling because I think he was cursing at the traffic. Meagan: I bet he was like, “Come on. We’ve got to go. Come on.” Nurul: Because I could feel the cars going past. I remember that we were probably just one U-turn away from the hospital and there was a bus coming. He didn’t care. He just made the U-turn. I was one minute away from the hospital. I’m not going to get one bus in my way. He turned and he went in. When I was stepping out of the car, I was actually annoyed with a lot of people to be honest. I was annoyed with the bikes. I was annoyed with the auntie. I was annoyed with the valet. The valet was asking me, “Do you need a wheelchair?” He kept asking my husband, “Does she need a wheelchair? Does she need a wheelchair?” “I don’t want a wheelchair. I want Lorraine. I want Lorraine.”Then suddenly, I heard this plop, plop, plop, plop and there she was, my doula. I said, “Oh my god.” She was there. She was running in her flip-flops down the stairs and with her yoga ball. She came straight to me and she was like, “You’re doing an amazing job. You’re beautiful and you’re incredible.” I felt so much love from my husband and with her there. My space was protected. I can feel so much love here. She asked me, “Do you want to walk or do you want to go in the room?” I said, “I want to walk.” I had to go up three flights of stairs. Meagan: Oh my goodness. Nurul: Yeah. She said, “Are you sure?” I said, “Yeah. I want to walk.” In my mind, it was like, “I don’t want to sit down. I don’t want to sit down. I do not want to be pushed. I want to walk.” Every one and a half minutes that the surges would come, I put my face against the wall and I put my hand on my forehead. It was like, “I can do this. I can do this.” She was just like, “It’s okay. You’re doing fantastic. You’re doing great.” The labor room was full. It was a full house. We had to wait for a room. While I was waiting for a room, I was checked. While I was checked, I was so defeated because the nurse was so pushy. I did not want any noise. She was like, “Oh.” She checked me and was like, “Oh, you are 1 centimeter dilated, -2, and high and hot.” I was like, “No, how can that be?” Everyone was like, “This can’t be it. You are 1.5-2 minutes apart.” I was like, “Just get me a room. Get me a room. I want to get into a shower.” They managed to get me into a room. I got into the shower. My doula was reading to me scripts. I remember that my husband was there. It was getting really intense. The surges were getting so, so intense and I refused the epidural. I had my birth plan and my birth plan was down to every little thing that you can imagine. In the birth plan, I was like, “No artificial lights. All monitors turned off. No CTG allowed.” I didn’t allow any monitors on me because I didn’t want to feel that on my body. I didn’t want to wear their coats. I went in wearing my dress and I wished to go out wearing my things.I’m in there, I’m like, “I’m not a patient. I’m not sick. Being pregnant is not a medical condition. I’m just birthing my child. I don’t need all of this. Yes, I’m thankful for modern medicine but rescue me when I need rescue.” I don’t need you to tell me, “You’re pregnant. I’m going to help you birth your baby.” No. Yeah, so I remember going down there laboring in the shower. My husband was behind me. I was standing and he had the showerhead behind me. I got down. It was on my shoulder on the left and on the right. They tried their best to comfort me. It was getting so bad that I started begging my husband, “Just get me the epidural. Get me the epidural.” Meagan: Which is a sign. Nurul: Yes, it was a sign. You know, but when you feel all of that, I remember my doula telling me the day before, “You are going to be a force of nature and nothing is going to get in your way.” I didn’t believe her until I was there at that time. I turned to my husband and I said with serious eyes, “Get me the epidural. Get them in here and get me the epidural now.” I was angry and crying at the same time. He looked at me dead on into my eyes and he looked at my doula. He looked at Lorraine and Lorraine looked at him. They kept giving exchanges with their eyes and they were just ignoring. I was like, “Why are you ignoring me? Listen to me. Listen to me. I want an epidural now.” I was crying. Then Lorraine tried to talk to me. She tried to go on like, “Just try to lay down. I’m going to breathe with you.” I didn’t want to listen to her. I turned to my husband. I spoke in my mother tongue to my husband because she wouldn’t understand. I was like, “You don’t want to listen to me? Fine. I’m going to speak to my husband. I’m going to speak to him in the language that he and I share.” Can you believe it? I was a real force of nature. He just kept on looking at me. He didn’t want to respond. I said, “Why aren’t you listening to me? Why is nobody listening to me?” I think he was close to giving up because he kept looking at Lorraine. They kept giving exchanges and all. I said, “You know what? Okay. You don’t get me an epidural? Fine. Get me gas. Just get me gas.” She was like, “All right. I’ll get you gas.” I remember Lorraine stepping out and coming in with the gas mask but I wasn’t listening to the instructions. I didn’t know how to use the mask. I thought it was to just breathe, put it on your mouth over your face and breathe. I did not know that when it vibrates, it means that you’re not breathing in right. So the whole time I was breathing, it was vibrating. But I just needed something to hold tightly. There was nothing to the gas.I was telling my doula, “I want to sleep. I want to sleep. I’m so tired already. Please just get me the epidural.” She was like, “Just try to breathe through it all.” I was holding onto the mask but I wasn’t breathing right. I told her, “Get the nurse. Get the nurse and get her to check me. I think the baby is coming.” She was like, “Okay, okay. I’ll get the nurse.” She got the nurse at about 11 AM. It was just a few hours, but time distortion makes you feel like it was forever. Meagan: Yeah, yeah. Nurul: Yeah. So the nurse checked me and she said, “You’re soft, but you’re only 1, maybe 2 centimeters dilated. Meagan: What?!Nurul: I felt even more defeated. I’m like, “This can’t be.” I was close to giving up. Even Lorraine saw that I really struggled to sleep. She was like, “Tell me what you want to do.” “I just want to lie down.” She kept putting a peanut ball between my legs and I kept kicking it. I remember a nurse coming in, one of the L&D nurses. She spoke in a really high-toned voice and I specifically said in my list that no one is to speak loudly in the room. I turned to her and was like, “Can you talk softly?” “I’m sorry, I’m just excited for you.” I rolled my eyes. I said, “Oh my god. What is happening to me?” It’s just not me. But like Lorraine said, “You are going to be a force of nature and no one’s going to get in your way.” She checked me again and I was 1-2 centimeters. I laid down. I’m like, “This is getting away. I give up. I want to sleep. I don’t care. I want to sleep.” I kept thrusting my hips in that squat that Lorraine told me. She checked me and I think was at 12:30. It was only an hour later. Can you believe it? She was recording with her phone. She checked me and she was like, “I see hair. I see hair.” She was like, “I see hair. I see hair.” She ran out. I could hear her slippers. She was like, “The baby is coming. The baby is coming!” The nurse came in and because I was laying on my side– everything I did, I did not want to be strapped down. I did not want to lay on my back, nothing. She checked me and she had the audacity to take a piece of gauze and put it on my perineum and say, “Mommy, don’t push. Your baby is it.” She pushed a little on my perineum. Meagan: She pushed baby up. Nurul: She pushed baby in, in fact. I’m like, “I’m not pushing. I’m not pushing.” She’s like, “I’ll get the doctor. Calm down.” The doctor came in at 11:40. They were busy putting on his clothes so they were facing the wall, three of them. Two nurses and one doctor. Two nurses putting on his gloves and his, I think robe thing. His gown. I was like, “I want to push but I feel like she’s coming.” I remember Lorraine was reading a script about a hot air balloon, imagining yourself in a hot air balloon breathing and going higher. I was just putting myself there and I felt like I needed to just sit up. When I sat up, the next thing I know, my baby was out. I just breathed out. I didn’t push. Meagan: Oh my gosh. Nurul: I didn’t push. I felt like I needed to sit up. I breathed out and I sat up and she just came. Meagan: Oh my gosh. Nurul: Yes, the doctor wasn’t there. The doctor was facing the wall. My husband was like, “Oh my god.” Lorraine said, “She’s here, she’s here.” I remember Lorraine screaming or shouting, “Take your baby. Take your baby.” My husband went to wrap my daughter and he just placed her on me. I even took off my dress and was like, “Put her on me. Put her on me.” I even asked Lorraine, “Is she really here? Is she really here?” I didn’t even realize it because I just breathed out. I didn’t push. I didn’t know how to push. There was no cutting or nothing. When the baby was on my chest, the doctor turned around and was like, “Oh, congratulations. You did such a great job.” My husband was so happy. I was crying. I remember saying to Lorraine, “I was on a hot air balloon. I was on a hot air balloon.” I was looking down on my daughter and she was on me. I was like, “I can’t believe she’s here. I did. I can’t believe I did it.” I kept on saying, “I can’t believe I did it.” The doctor was like, “Okay, I will leave you for a while with skin-to-skin.” I didn’t allow them to clean her. I didn’t allow the cord to be cut until it was completely white. All of my wishes were completely respected until it came to my placenta. This is ridiculous because they left me alone. They left me and my husband and Lorraine alone for our time with the baby. It was amazing and fantastic. I had one hour with my daughter and then my husband had one hour. Before my husband had that hour, the nurses came in and were like, “Mommy, your placenta is coming out. I think you need help with it because you’re bleeding a little.” I’m like, “It’s fine. I’m fine. I’m holding my baby. I’m talking. I’m fine. It’s all right. I don’t need help with it.” She was like, “I’ll give you another ten minutes.” I said, “No. Give me more time. I want more time. Give me another 30-40 minutes, okay?” She said, “Okay.” She came back. It wasn’t 30-40 minutes. She gave me, I think, another 10 minutes and said, “Mommy, you really need to get this placenta out. I’m going to just pull and tug it.” I said, “No. No. Give me time. Can’t you wait? Can’t you wait?” I saw how Lorraine was looking and it was like, “Oh, okay.” It was like, “No.” She was proud that I stood up for myself. I advocated for myself because going into this journey, I thought my doula would need to help me advocate my wishes, but no. I advocated strongly. She was like, “Okay. Let her birth her placenta.” I went into Hypnobirthing again. The placenta came out beautifully. There were no complications. I tore naturally. There were 35 stitches. I think you have one of the episodes where the mom was saying about the birth high. I did not understand it then, but when I gave birth to my daughter–Meagan: You understood it now. Nurul: Yeah. It’s been with me and I refuse to let it go. It’s a different kind of euphoria that you cannot explain because mine came along with working so hard at trying to have that birth and having that goal, fighting every battle just to have the baby the way I wanted. It was every fight. It was exhausting. Meagan: Yes, but you did it. You did it. You just sat up and baby came out. That is so amazing. Nurul: I sat up. Thank you. I remember my husband saying, “She looks like she came out on a waterslide.” He was like, “Do I need to pay the doctor now because he didn’t deliver the baby?” Meagan: Because he didn’t catch the baby? Oh, yeah. Nurul: Yeah, he was like, “Ahh.” It was and still is a wonderful thing for me. I’m going to say this for every mom who is going to try a VBAC or even given a chance to TOLAC or those who have had a VBAC. You have to really look at it and think of the journey that you had because for me, because of that VBAC, has opened a new me. I did not birth my daughter. I had a rebirth of myself, a stronger self. I’m starting a new healing journey. Even my doula– and I’m so close with my doula. Whenever I feel like I’m having a hard time, I will talk to her. She was like, “You’re having another healing journey. It is fantastic.” I say, “Yeah. It was because of that big step that I made advocating for myself. Fighting for myself.” It doesn’t have to be because everything is all laid out for you. No. Just do it. Meagan: Oh, well huge congratulations. Nurul: Thank you. Meagan: Thank you so much for sharing with us today. We are so happy for you and I encourage you to continue staying on that birth high and going out there and sharing your journey just like you are right now is only going to inspire and motivate others as well. Nurul: Yes, definitely. Thank you. Meagan: Thank you. Nurul: It’s been amazing. It’s actually midnight now in Singapore. Meagan: Yep, it’s midnight. Oh my goodness. But seriously, thank you so, so much. Nurul: Thank you. Thank you. Meagan: Okay. Nurul: And every mom who asks me, “How did you get onto this journey?” I say, “Listen to The VBAC Link.” I’m serious. So much information, so many things you are going to learn. Meagan: Aw, well thank you. We agree. This podcast still even educates us, right? So yeah. Well, thank you so much. ClosingWould you like to be a guest on the podcast? Tell us about your experience at thevbaclink.com/share. For more information on all things VBAC including online and in-person VBAC classes, The VBAC Link blog, and Meagan’s bio, head over to thevbaclink.com. Congratulations on starting your journey of learning and discovery with The VBAC Link.Support this podcast at — https://redcircle.com/the-vbac-link/donationsAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands