Ask Amy: How Much Complaining About the "Invisible Workload" is Allowed?

How can you talk about the division of labor in your home– particularly if you're the one doing most of that labor– in a way that's less complain-y and more effective? Listeners can email us their questions at questions@whatfreshhellpodcast.com, which is where we received this week's question: Where is the the line between verbalizing the “mental load” and not talking everything to death and annoying myself and my partner in the process? I want him to recognize and understand all that I do as a stay-at-home mom to keep our house and family running, but at what point should I just put my head down and do my “job”? I do view this as my job and I wouldn’t have it any other way, so it makes it confusing to decide what to verbally “offload” and what to keep to myself. Talking about the invisible workload isn't one and done. It's invisible to everyone except you, the default parent who's doing it all. So we think you do get to talk about it. But in order to keep those conversations peaceful and productive, start by considering what you hope to gain. Is it "I see what you're doing, and it's a lot, thank you?" In that case, be clear that you're asking for appreciation and gratitude. Is it that your partner needs to change little things he or she is doing ("soaking" pans in sink, we're looking at you!) because they're taking your work for granted without understanding how that makes you feel? Or is it that you're actually drowning in all that you need to accomplish on a daily basis, and you need your partner to step up and take on significant responsibilities right now? Decide your goal for the conversation, set up a time to discuss it, and then start (and end) what you have to say with your specific request. Asking for what you need will make it more likely your spouse will understand what to do next, and will hopefully leave you feeling a little less "annoying" for speaking up. In this episode Amy recommends this interview with Eve Rodsky, author of FAIR PLAY: https://www.whatfreshhellpodcast.com/changing-the-invisible-workload-with-guest-eve-rodsky/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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When you're a parent, every day brings a "fresh hell" to deal with. In other words, there's always something. Think of us as your funny mom friends who are here to remind you: you're not alone, and it won't always be this hard. We're Amy Wilson and Margaret Ables, both busy moms of three kids, but with completely different parenting styles. Margaret is a laid-back to the max; Amy never met a spreadsheet or an organizational system she didn't like. In each episode of "What Fresh Hell" we offer lots of laughs, but also practical advice, parenting strategies, and tips to empower you in your role as a mom. We explore self-help techniques, as well as ways to prioritize your own needs, combat stress, and despite the invisible workload we all deal with, find joy amidst the chaos of motherhood. If you've ever wondered "why is my kid..." then one of us has probably been there, and we're here to tell you what we've learned along the way. We unpack the behaviors and developmental stages of toddlers, tweens, and teenagers, providing insights into their actions and equipping you with effective parenting strategies. We offer our best parenting tips and skills we've learned. We debate the techniques and studies that are everywhere for parents these days, and get to the bottom of what works best to raise happy, healthy, fairly well-behaved kids, while fostering a positive parent-child relationship. If you're the default parent in your household, whether you're a busy mom juggling multiple pickups and dropoffs, or a first-time parent seeking guidance, this podcast is your trusted resource. Join our community of supportive mom friends laughing in the face of motherhood!   whatfreshhellpodcast.com