SYPM 011: Untigering with Iris Chen

In this episode we talk with Iris Chen about her new book, Untigering: Peaceful Parenting for the Deconstructing Tiger Parent. Iris admits to being a parent who engaged in "yelling, spanking, and threatening with unreasonable consequences" - but far from becoming a well-behaved, obedient child, her son fought back. The harder she punished, the more he resisted. Their home became a battleground of endless power struggles, uncontrollable tantrums, and constant frustration. But Iris didn't know what else to do: she had learned this over-controlling style from her own parents: watching TV without permission, talking back to her father, and having a boyfriend before college were simply out of the question when she was growing up. In her parents' eyes, they had done all the right things: Iris got good grades, graduated from an elite university, and married another successful Chinese-American. But through interacting with her son, Iris realized that all of these achievements had come at a great cost: a cost that her son was trying to show her through his resistance. Eventually Iris saw that her son's behavior wasn't the problem; he was simply reacting to her attempts to control him, and that it was her own approach that needed to change. Now Iris is well along her own Untigering path: basing her relationship with her children on finding win-win solutions to problems, being flexible, and respecting each other's boundaries. As I do too, Iris sees this path as a journey toward creating a society where everyone belongs. If you see yourself in Iris' descriptions of her early days as a parent, and especially if you find yourself routinely overreacting to your child's age-appropriate behavior, I invite you to join my Taming Your Triggers workshop, which will help you to understand the true source of your triggered feelings (hint: it isn't your child's behavior!), feel triggered less often, and respond more effectively to your child on the fewer occasions when it does still happen. Click here to learn more about https://www.yourparentingmojo.com/tamingyourtriggers (Taming Your Triggers) Jump to highlights: (01:34) Children’s dilemma between being seen/heard and being accepted (02:50) The trauma we pass on to our children (04:04) How to tame your triggers (04:59) Confidence in parenting that gives parents a sense of calm (06:39) Iris as a Deconstructing Tiger Parent (08:13) “I thought my responsibility as a parent was to push harder when my child resisted” (09:26) “I saw in my children a freedom to express their resentment in ways that I was never free to” (11:05) The walls that are created between parent and child because children’s authentic selves are not accepted (11:24) Our parents have their own traumas as well (13:18) The Idea of Untigering (14:19) Permissive parenting (16:06) Viewing children as full human beings (18:43) Adultism and Childism (20:05) Is respect something a child needs to earn from their parents? (21:26) Redefining our ideas for success as parents (27:29) Navigating the needs that drive behavior (31:30) Chinese somatization (33:57) The internalization of injustice and suffering (36:50) Holding space for one another and the greater community (41:19) The cascading effect of changing the way we relate to our children Books and Resources: https://www.amazon.com/Untigering-Peaceful-Parenting-Deconstructing-Parent-ebook/dp/B08QG3C9F3 (Untigering: Peaceful Parenting for the Deconstructing Tiger Parent) https://www.amazon.com/Body-Keeps-Score-Healing-Trauma/dp/0143127748 (The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma) Links: https://yourparentingmojo.com/tamingyourtriggers/ (Taming Your Triggers Workshop) https://www.upbringing.co/ (Upbringing Podcast) http://untigering.com (Untigering Website) Join the YPM Facebook Community https://www.facebook.com/groups/2174808219425589 (Your Parenting Mojo Facebook Group) [accordion] [accordion-item...